I’ve been a lousy blogger lately. My family and I have been pretty sick and I’ve been extra tired taking care of myself and my cute sickies. It takes a lot out of a girl.
Homeschool. Work. Occupational Therapy. Laundry. Cooking. All the normal busy tasks that seem to take up most of your day.
Frankly, these aren’t the only reasons why I haven’t been blogging lately. Sure, they are legitimate reasons, but it doesn’t cover the entire truth.
Every time I sit down at the computer ready with several post ideas, my brain turns to mush.
You see I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since Thanksgiving and haven’t really been able to bounce back. Another way to say this is, my heart has been slowly breaking for several months and I honestly can’t keep my thoughts cohesive enough to put it all into words. No guarantee here either.
I can’t go into my initial heartbreak, but I can tell you an experience that happened very recently that could give you a peek into our world and hearts.
For the past couple of years I have had the fortunate luck to get to know another momma and her beautiful daughter while we homeschooled our children together with a couple of different co-ops. Her daughter and mine became best friends and we wound up seeing each other practically once a week due to our school fun, but we also spent time in my kitchen drinking coffee, talking, letting the kids make up their own fun with costumes and imaginative play. I wasn’t self-conscious about the dirty dishes in the sink or the massive amount of crumbs that all of my young children seemed to acquire every day, every meal. It was such a comfortable relationship that it took me by surprise how much it hurt to have them leave. Their sweet family decided that California property was too expensive (absolutely true) and job opportunities lied elsewhere. They began to pray for direction and God made a clear path for them in Idaho. You might be just as bad with geography as I am, but let me tell you Idaho and California are not that close. Not once a week, have a muffin and coffee in my kitchen close.
Our last get together was festive, fun, full of tears, and way too short. After hours of fun and gifts of memories made with promises of “please don’t forget me!”, they finally filed into their cars and me and my little people posse followed them out for one last lookie-loo good-bye. My sweet baby girl was no where to be found for our last wave. When I found her in her room upstairs, I was upset that she wouldn’t say good-bye (and frankly was acting up which was irritating to this momma). When I confronted her about her behavior and why she didn’t say good-bye, she burst into tears and dramatically called out “because it was too sad!“. (Truthfully, it makes me want to cry just typing that sentence, let alone living it out.) I dropped to my knees and just hugged her while I tried to soothe us both.
While I’m so excited for this sweet family to go where God has directed them, I can’t help but be sad at the void they have left in our lives.
Homeschooling and living in two different states has left me (and to be honest my out going girl as well) feeling more left out than included. I guess its inevitable since people are strengthening their own relationships while we aren’t there. Which means that we hardly get invited to birthday parties or dinner dates anymore or even random get togethers. We are forgotten. Out of sight out of mind if you will.
I also have been detaching emotionally from my long-standing friends since high school. I love them dearly, but many of my friends are not moms, we don’t live in the same town, and we don’t share the same faith. Basically, our lives have separated so dramatically that there isn’t too much that resembles our original friendship. This doesn’t weaken our love for one another, but it does naturally diminish our closeness.
Totally understandable. But it doesn’t make it any easier.
I long for the days that stay at home moms got together with her neighbor girlfriend for coffee and a game of cards in-between loads of laundry. I find that finding any momma who isn’t ‘too busy’ is a rare gem, let alone one that wants to stay and invest in a friendship that she hasn’t already established long ago.
I’m crying out for a community. For like-minded mommas in my homeschooling network. But mostly I’m crying out for true blue friends for my kids and for this weary hearted momma.